Monday, February 18, 2019

How to Fall in Love With Yourself

How to fall in love with yourself and self love tips

In the spirit of the month of love, I think it's really important to talk about the most important relationship you have - your relationship with yourself. For some of you guys, you might already have this on lockdown. Yay! Good for you! For others, loving yourself may seem too out of this realm to happen because you don't know how to, which is why I'm writing this post: How to Fall in Love With Yourself to help you achieve this ever so daunting task.

Why loving yourself is so important

Let me repeat what I said in the intro paragraph in case you just skimmed that. The most important relationship you have is with yourself. The person you spend the most time with is yourself. If the person you spend the most time with is constantly dogging on you and telling you how much you suck, of course, you're gonna dislike yourself, which is why cultivating and nurturing your relationship with yourself is so important. Changing that voice in your head from a place of negativity to a place of love can lead to a road of self-confidence, happiness, compassion, and support for yourself from yourself.

This road is the foundation of anything that you pursue whether it be relationships, your dreams, or happiness. Once you feel at ease with yourself, you'll start taking that voice of negativity with a grain of salt, won't fall into your insecurities so easily, and be resilient to challenges and other people's criticism. The biggest side effect of them all is that you won't rely on anyone else for your self-esteem, which a lot of people fall victim to. Loving yourself leads to the ultimate freedom because you can be yourself without being so worried about what other people think of you. How amazing is that?!

I know it seems like a big task depending on where you are on your journey and it is, but you know what they say: The best things don't come easy.

How to Fall in Love With Yourself

1. Make the choice to fall in love with yourself.

The first step is to make the choice to fall in love with yourself. And, you can't half-ass this one either. You have to choose to wholeheartedly to love yourself otherwise you're just gonna fall back into the old habits of disliking yourself.

2. Be aware of your negative self-talk and counter it.

This technique has a whole psychological name to it called the logic compassion reframe (LCR). I learned this from my counselor when I went to therapy at school. I've mentioned it in my other posts before, too, but I'll briefly explain how to execute this for your convenience.

So, basically, the whole objective is to reframe the way that you think about things. To do this, you need to:

a. Catch your negative thought.
b. Use logic and compassion to counter that thought.
c. If you have another negative thought to counter your logic and compassion, counter it again with logic and compassion.
d. Keep doing it until you can't combat whatever your last statement was. If your last thought was negative, then that's your final conclusion (although most of the time it doesn't really happen that way). If your last counter was your logic and compassion, then you just reframed your negative thought.


Negative thought: "I'm not good enough."
Logic: "Who's telling me that besides myself? The people at my job think I'm great at my job. My significant other, friends, and family tell me that they love me all the time."
Compassion: "Even if they didn't love me, I'm still a great person. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm generous. So many people will and do love me for me."

Counter negative thought: "What if they're all lying to me?"
Logic: "It's unlikely that the whole world is lying to me, maybe a couple of people, but even then..."
Compassion: "I might not be liked by everyone and that's okay because I have the core people that do love me, including myself."

Obviously, your narrative might be a little different, but you get the point. To learn more about this technique you can check out my blog posts 10 Little Life Reminders and 5 Tips to Deal With Insecurity While in a Relationship where I get more detailed about the process of this.

This is probably the hardest tip of them all to implement unless you're already meditating or mindful about tracking your thoughts. What makes it even more difficult is whatever you're saying to yourself, you probably believe that it's the truth already. So, trying to convince yourself it's a lie you made up in your head is probably not the easiest thing to do. I mean you've probably been building that thought cycle for years.

But, trust me, see this one through because it's probably the most important tip I have for you since you'll learn how to take your negative self-talk with a grain of salt instead of accepting it so blindly like you have been.

3. Be kind to yourself.

Don't be so hard on yourself! Stop telling yourself that you suck or that you're stupid or whatever else you call yourself. You're enabling your self-hatred and that's not what you want, right? Instead, treat yourself with compassion no matter what situation it is.

For example, if you make a mistake, tell yourself, "Everything is going to be okay. This is a learning experience for me. Next time I'll be better." Of course, allow yourself to feel however you feel about it, but whatever you do, refrain from using negative adjectives to describe yourself. After all, nobody's perfect.

This becomes easier to do once you start doing nice things for yourself because you will be someone that does nice things for you.

I know that sentence is super confusing. I probably lost you there. Let me explain. If someone does something nice for you, you're not gonna be as mean to them. Slowly you'll start liking that person more the more nice things they do for you. So, once you become one of those people who do nice things for got it! You'll start liking yourself more and start being nicer to yourself.

If you don't know what to do for yourself, here's a list of ideas:

  • Buy yourself flowers.
  • Dress up and take yourself out on a date.
  • Give yourself a hug.
  • Give yourself compliments.
  • Treat yourself to a self-care day.
  • Write a love letter to yourself.
  • Make a list of why you're grateful for yourself.

I know sometimes we just can't help being mean to ourselves, but we just have to remember that just because these thoughts are passing by in our heads, it doesn't mean that they're true. And, if you choose to believe that negative adjectives describe yourself the most, then that's your prerogative. But, just remember, you choose to believe what's real to you. So, why not be kind to yourself and believe that you're amazing?

4. Accept compliments.

Allow the positive energy and vibes to come in! If you choose to say, "No. No, I'm not," or "They're just being nice," or reject it in any way, you're immediately stopping that energy from coming in. It's almost like you're saying to yourself that this compliment doesn't pertain to you. And, why shouldn't it? That person is saying it for a reason, right?

Some people think that accepting compliments is conceited of them to do. And yeah it can be if you're obnoxious about it. But, if you give them a, "Thank you," then it just seems like you're appreciating what they said about you.

5. Do things that you love.

To feel completely at peace with yourself, you need to do things that you love without shame. Once you find something you love, you have something to fall back on to feel like yourself if you're having an off-day or even just something positive to look forward to on a regular day.

For some of you, you may not know what you love yet and that's okay. The best way to find what you love to do is by doing things that you're simply interested in trying. Worst case scenario you don't like it and you learn something about yourself. Best case scenario you find something that brings you joy in your life.

For me, I really love yoga and writing about self-development topics. So, whenever I feel unstable either one of these will ground and center me again. Or I just cry because that's something that I like to do, too, because it helps me feel better sometimes.

6. Focusing your attention and energy on you.

A great way to get away from your anxiety from comparing yourself to others and caring about what people think about you is focusing all your attention and energy in focusing on yourself. This means doing stuff that you love, not paying attention to other people's lives, being yourself, and pursuing whatever you want to pursue.

One of the best tips I can give for this point is to change your social media habits. Although it's a great place to connect with people you might not have otherwise had the opportunity to and learn about things that you might not have otherwise known about, there are its disadvantages. Like, falling into the trap of comparing yourself to others and that itself can be a killer to your self-esteem, which is why maybe changing your social media habits may be the right thing to do.

There are two ways you can do change your social media habits:

a. Detox
Take a break from social media altogether. Delete those apps off your phone so you're not so tempted to go on your social media platforms and fall into that social media rabbit hole.

Once you do this and after you get over the social media detox symptoms, you'll realize how much more free you feel and how much more space you have in your mind to focus on the more positive things and on yourself without all the negativity inside you.

b. Curate your feed.
If going cold turkey isn't something for you, be picky about your feed instead. Delete or block the people that you compare yourself to unhealthily, feel jealousy towards, and people that you just don't like. If that seems too harsh or dramatic, I'm pretty sure most, if not all, social media platforms have an option to mute those pages and people.

The point of this is to let go of any negative energy. So, be unapologetic about it.

Once you clean out your feed, you can follow more pages that inspire you or make you happy.

7. Steer away from people who don't make you feel good about yourself.

Sometimes you just have to take a break from someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself. It doesn't matter if they're a friend or family member. Take a break from them! You have to do what helps you feel more at peace with yourself.

I'm not saying you turn your back on them or cut them off completely. Just don't be around them as much. In my experience, if you do it slowly and quietly, they don't even notice and you guys slowly fall off. Although I've never really done this to a family member before, that one might be a little bit more tricky.

8. Do things that scare you.

Doing things that scare you is one of the most effective confidence builders. It pushes you out of your comfort zone, learn more about yourself, and forces you to grow. If you start doing things that you're scared of, you'll find that you start progressing in life and that's where true happiness lies.

So, yes, apply to that job, ask your crush out, reach out to that friend you haven't spoken to because of something that happened last year, go to that networking event, go skydiving! Whatever it is, just do it! If it ends badly, well, at least now you know.

But, also, just a disclaimer, I'm not advocating for you to do something that scares you in the sense that you end up putting yourself or others in harm's way. 

Well, I hoped this helped you! If you know a friend who needs this, send this to them or share it through Twitter, Facebook, and/or Pinterest!
If you have any more tips you would like to share, put it in the comments below!

How to fall in love with yourself and self love tips

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