Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Lessons from My First Heartbreak

I was extremely hesitant on writing this because it's so extremely personal, but, you know what? Fuck it. No one really reads this anyway and it was such a defining moment for me. I'm just gonna do it. This is my truth, so I'm just gonna tell it. And, I learned a lot about relationships, love, and life. With that said, this is Lessons from My First Heartbreak.

1.) People are going to leave if they're ready to.

Towards the end of our relationship, I felt like he was distancing himself. So, I kept trying to have conversations with him to salvage whatever we had left repeatedly and it would be the same situation where he was not very receptive back. I really tried to hold on to the point where it was draining me. At the end of the day, he ended up breaking it off with me anyway.

Looking back on it now, I can see that he was just ready to move on. And, when someone's ready to move on, they're just going to move on no matter how much you try to get them to stay. It's a lot less painful if you just "set them free". It's a lot easier said than done, but it must be done for both of your sake.

There was a podcast that said, "You might not be able to get a relationship like this again, but this one is over." And, to be honest that really hit home for me because I think what I was afraid of back then was that I wouldn't find something like that again. And, I didn't. I found something that works better for me.

2.) Put yourself first.

It was an extremely unhealthy relationship on my end. In my head, I thought, "I have to take care of him and prioritize him and if I don't then he won't like me anymore. This is what a good girlfriend does." So, I always put him first. Honestly, that was probably one of the biggest lies I told myself. He probably would have still liked me even if I didn’t keep doing stuff for him. He still left even when I did put him first.

Love does not equate to putting them before yourself. It’s still something I’m unlearning. But, at least, now, I listen more to my heart. (How cheesy, I know.) But if it's telling me that I need some time to myself, I'll take that time to myself instead of trying to cater to everyone.

3.) Therapy is amazing.

If I’m being completely candid, I didn’t really know how to get over the situation surrounding my ex. I was very angry and didn’t know how to let go, but I knew that I wanted to let go. So, I decided to go to counseling at my school.

It was kind of taunting at first. Like, ugh, I have to talk about these issues that I’m somewhat ashamed of? No, thank you. But once you start facing whatever you’re feeling, it’s like a shroud has been lifted. You start beginning to understand yourself and your emotions more and I think that's a big part of healing.

4.) You gotta love yourself.

I don’t think I really liked myself back in those days. I think I liked him more than myself. And, because of that, I lost myself once he left. I made a vow with myself after I got my shit together, “You can’t let this happen again.” So, before I got into another relationship, I did my best to build a foundation for a relationship with myself - I got to know myself more and actually learn how to appreciate myself.

Before I got into my current relationship, I was so hesitant and scared because I didn’t want that to happen again. But, alas, I’ve learned from my mistakes, but I’m still learning to love and appreciate myself more.

5.) Don’t rely on others for your self-esteem.

This kind of intertwines to the lessons above, but I think it’s worth mentioning on its own. Because I didn’t love myself, I had virtually no self-esteem. In the beginning, I had some, but as the relationship progressed, I lost it all, through no fault of my ex-boyfriend, by the way. I think I cared too much about what other people, especially my ex-boyfriend, thought of me. Was I pretty in their eyes? Was I smart enough? Was I enough?

I’ve come to learn a couple of years after that it doesn’t matter what other people think. It only matters what you think. No matter how many times people say that you’re pretty or that you’re smart, you’re not going to feel that way unless you believe that you are. Those compliments are just a quick fix to your low self-esteem issues.

What have you guys learned from your past relationships? Leave them in the comments below!

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