Monday, August 6, 2018

5 Tips to Deal With Insecurity While in a Relationship

I know a thing or two about being insecure in a relationship. And, let me tell you, it's annoying and horrible. And, if you're insecure and in a relationship, you know what I'm talking about. It's the constant anxiety of thinking maybe I'm not good enough, maybe they're cheating on me, maybe they'll find someone better than me etc.

A lot of the time I imagine a life where I wouldn't think about this stuff. And, I'm sure you do, too. I mean, isn't that why you're here reading this blog? I'm working on my way towards security and so far it's great. Of course, I do have my slip ups, but doesn't everybody? I want you to work your way towards security, too, so you can grow and experience your relationship to the fullest, which is why I'm going to share 5 Tips to Deal with Insecurity While in a Relationship.

1.) Be honest with yourself.

Just like in A.A., the first step is to admit you have a problem and to be honest with yourself. By doing this, you're acknowledging that you have something you need to work on. This is great news, though, because now you know that this is something that you can fix/get better at.

I understand that being honest with yourself can be hard for some people because it requires getting out of your head and being vulnerable with yourself. It may be painful and may be embarrassing for some, but it's necessary. You're identifying the deep-rooted issues that need resolutions. Half of the work is just admitting you have something that you need to work on. It's probably even the harder half.

Don't know what it means to be honest with yourself? Here, I'll give you an example. Let's say that you have this thought that your partner is cheating on you, but you don't have any real evidence and you know you don't.*

All you have to do is acknowledge however you're feeling when that thought comes up. So, for me, I would say, "I'm insecure and I'm scared that he will find someone better and will cheat on me." Or whatever reason why you may think whatever thought you have. That's it. That's all you have to do for this part.

*If you do have evidence, then, yeah, be suspicious and maybe key their car like Carrie Underwood did in her music video "Before He Cheats". I'm just kidding about the last part.

2.) Resist the urge to snoop.

If you're anything like me and you're nosy, this is a habit that's definitely difficult to kick. If you're especially like me and you're snooping because you're actually trying to find something that would hurt you because you feel like it's too good to be true that someone would want you and only you and is actually happy with you, this habit is even more difficult to kick. (See, how honest I was with myself there?)

I'll paraphrase what my mental health counselor said to me when I was addressing her about my habit of social media stalking. It's not worth dealing with the pain and insecurity that comes along with the information that you might find. You and your partner have to deal with the consequences of you snooping when there was no initial issue prior to your decision to be nosy.

And, she's right. It's not worth it. A picture from, like, 2011 can really trigger some pain and insecurity up and now you're dealing with this long-term problem that could have been easily prevented had you not decided to snoop around. I'm speaking from experience.

3.) Use the Logic-Compassion Reframe.

Honestly, one of the most helpful tools that I got from therapy. I got into contact with the counselor that introduced this exercise to me to help me explain it, so, you guys get a nice, quality explanation.(Shout out to Cassandra DeQuevedo, LMHC, for helping me out and giving a thorough explanation!)

This is a free therapy session here! Pay attention!

The main point of the Logic-Compassion Reframe is to be able to change an automatic thought and the cognitive distortion that you have.

An automatic thought is a thought that you automatically jump to.

Cognitive distortion is how our minds convince us that something isn't particularly true and result in negative thought loops that leave us feeling bad about ourselves. Some examples of cognitive distortion are filtering, overgeneralization, and emotional reasoning. To read more about cognitive distortion, I recommend reading this PsychCentral blog post here.

Step 1: Identify the automatic thought and cognitive distortion. How much do you believe in this thought percentage-wise?

Example: I think my significant other is cheating on me. The cognitive distortion is the emotional reasoning. I don't feel like my partner can actually be happy with me and only me so it must be true. I believe in this thought 75%.

Step 2: Identify the emotions associated with this automatic thought/cognitive distortion.
Example: I feel scared and insecure.

Step 3: Ask yourself the following questions.
  • Do I know this to be absolutely true?
  • Am I making an assumption?
  • Am I exaggerating or overemphasizing a negative aspect of the situation?
  • How do I know this thought to be true/will happen?
  • Have I been in situations where this has not occurred?
  • What is the evidence for and against this thought? Does the evidence against this thought outweigh the evidence for it?
  • Is there another way to look at this situation?
Step 4: Reframe the automatic thought using Logic (L) and Compassion (C).
Example: I don't have much evidence to support that s/he is cheating on me (L). Just because I'm scared it will happen doesn't mean that it will (L). S/he is lucky to have me because I am a strong, independent, confident, beautiful person (C). 

Step 5: Identify the emotions associated with this new thought. How much do you believe it?

On my blog post 10 Little Life Reminders, there is a good example of how to go about Step 3 and Step 4. If you have any questions with this exercise, leave it in the comments below. I may or may not be able to help you. Just a disclaimer, I am NOT a mental health professional.

4.) Accept the uncertainty and have faith.

There's no way of knowing that you and your partner is going to be in love forever. Shit happens, people change, and life's unpredictable. Constantly having your partner reassure you that you guys will be together forever is unproductive because it may or may not happen. You honestly just need to enjoy the moment, have faith that you guys will grow stronger together, and accept that you can't know everything for sure.

5.) Remember that an insecure person will still be an insecure person even with validation.

Asking for validation and reassurance in a relationship is okay and normal. It's only toxic and dangerous when you rely on it too much for your own self-esteem. If you ask your partner for reassurance for the latter reason, I'm here to tell you this: your partner's reassurance is a band-aid, not a long-term solution to your insecurity.

Think about it. You ever receive reassurance from your significant other and you feel good for that one moment and then later you fall into that negative thought loop about your relationship again. Exactly. It's just a band-aid. A bigger issue at hand still needs to be addressed - your insecurity or your relationship.

6.) Decide and commit to becoming more confident.

This might seem obvious to you, but you may be surprised how much people aren't willing to improve their self-esteem.

It's easier to do nothing than working on themselves. I get it, I was like that, too, but I got tired of being sad all the time and feeling bad for myself. I also realized that the issues in my relationship would be reoccurring unless I built the confidence that I wanted/needed. And, dealing with all those negative thoughts all the time was just too exhausting.

7.) Go to therapy.

I love therapy. As a Cancer sun and a Gemini moon, I'm emotional and love talking about my feelings. It helps me digest what's happening and makes me feel better. The best part of therapy was being able to find solutions and work towards where I wanted to be.

I know that there are people who are very averse to therapy, but I still recommend that you just go try it. Worst case scenario if you do go, you don't like it and don't go back. Worst case scenario if you don't go, you're not dealing with your emotional issues and they get bigger.

Just a heads up, you may or may not find a therapist that works for you the first time. There's a little trial and error, but when you finally find the therapist for you, it's great!

If you have any more tips you would like to share, please leave it in the comment below! If you liked this post, share it on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Pinterest!

overcoming relationships and getting self-esteem

overcoming insecurity in relationships and getting high self esteem

overcoming insecurity in relationships and getting high self esteem

Post a Comment